The Very Epic adventure of RyouMan and MalikBoy
by wallsmex
Summary: “Look, I'm sexy and evil and scary, are you going to do something about that or not?” [RyouxBakura, very stupid]


_This is my last day (in seven) with my beloved computer, and since whenever I read the serious crap I've tried typing, I lose immediate interest and close the documents. I'll work on them in the boring bus trip or something, but for now I shall incorporate some more crap written for not-this-fandom. Hopefully that will explain the confusedness of this story, unless you've been immensely confused with this run on pointless paragraph itself._

_Thief King Bakura form for Yami no Bakura, to make things work. And everything is out of character, including the tables and whatnot._

_Warning: This might not be funny to you. I'm currently half-fevering._

* * *

Ryou grinned, having successfully put on his flowing black cape and matching stripped stockings. He secretly prided himself on being very, very hot, both metaphorically and literally. The sun these days!

"Right," he announced, waiting for Malik to turn around to look, "I'm ready –"

"_Why_ are you wearing a black cape?" the looker in question inquired incredulously. Ryou put on a cute, confused look, wasting a bit more life on trying to make it cuter before he continued.

"Because it's cool." he nodded, knowing that it explained everything. Malik, with his deteriorating brain cells, did not seem to understand. Ryou sighed, shaking his head. This was becoming a problem – well, at least he was getting a workout. Never shall he horrendously somehow obtain a double chin!

He was snapped out of his self-admiration – uh, substantial mental support and encouragement, when Malik interrupted. "You're supposed to be the slut of justice, not some miscellaneous, cliché dress up of villainy!" he yelled, rather rudely. Ryou was hurt by his accusation, and expressed as much.

"I am hurt by your accusation," Ryou declared accusingly, "don't you think I look good in it?" He then inappropriately pouted for brownie points.

Malik slapped his forehead as he shook it, looking very much like he should not be the one doing so. Ryou took large notice of this, and was about to comment when Malik cut in yet again.

"For gay men's sake," he said, sighing as he continued the ridiculous action (which consisted of continually slapping his forehead), "if you're going to wear a cape, at least wear a red one!" then, brightly, "Remember superman?"

Ryou pondered about this for approximately negative one seconds before he answered, effectively interrupting Malik for pay back and sounding smart. "Superman's ugly," he stated simply, nodding as he went on, "he has this –"

Malik's expression darkened.

"-_really_ big slab of fat, and the spandex suit outlined _every single roll_ of it, and when his cape flies you can see his underwear gathered in his cra-"

Malik glared. Hard.

"-ck, and most of all he looks like Elvis Presley!" Ryou took a small breath, apparently still not done. "I mean, how weird is that? Elvis Presley! _Him_ for gods' sake!" he then proceeded to laugh, rolling about the floor like a madman in agony. In the final angle of which he turned at, he noticed Malik's three-hundred percent glare and his laugh faded nervously.

"…Presley." he finished meekly. There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence.

"…And he dresses like a whore." he muttered under his breath quickly.

Malik growled, his almost suspicious obsession for superman having glazed over his senses. "_You_ are a whore."

Ryou tried growling but it hurt his pretty face, so he immediately stopped. He pouted pathetically instead, hoping to trigger some sort of guilt from his currently animalistic friend. "Yeah," he started, thinking quick for a good comeback, "at least I'm not _strait_!"

There was an extended silence. Various statements of ellipsis occurred in this uncomfortable period.

"…Let me try that again?" Ryou asked hopefully.

-

It was towards sunset when they finally arrived, the setting creating a rather romantic atmosphere though they were really only going to beat the crap out of Ryou's arch nemesis like sissies. Yes, they were going to run away after coming this far. At least they had air conditioning in their tour bus…

The wind blew peculiarly in the hot, middle-of-summer day, for some reason revealing the outline of a silhouette that couldn't have possibly been able to hide in the just-blowing winds. Nevertheless, there was a suspicious black thing on top of a high building, so attention was turned towards the offending figure.

"Evil fiend!" Ryou yelled, twitching slightly because it didn't sound as masculine as it did when Yami declared it, "I have come to – hey, can you even hear me?" They were at the bottom of the high building, which was very, very high.

The figure of all that is evil laughed like the maniac it was supposed to be, though the romantic setting of the sun creating halos and the wind threading through his hair kind of ruined the image. Nevertheless, he continued laughing his evil, evil laugh. It was very high pitched and melodic, and could be heard clearly to twenty buildings across and fifty stories down – it kind of reminded Ryou of an opera singer.

Anyways.

"KUKUKUKUKUKU," the silhouette cackled, "YOU CAN NEVER DESTROY ME, RYOU!"

"Oh," Ryou said, blinking, "_oh!_" He closed his eyes to enjoy the moment. "He's on first name basis with me!" He basked happily in this new revelation before he paused. "Wait, how come we can hear him but he can't hear us?" He stroke a sexy, contemplative pose for effect.

_He's deaf!_ the long forgotten voice of Marik giggled, but since Malik didn't like him and no one else could hear him, he was deftly ignored into oblivion.

Malik had an opinion to share. "I think it's because he spoke in capitals," he told Ryou smartly, then shut up because he realized he had no idea what he was talking about.

Ryou considered this and thought it to make very much sense. "Oh," he replied unnecessarily with over brimming intelligence, "I see."

There was a pause.

Then: "HEY BAKURA-CHAN, COME DOWN HERE, WE CAN BARELY HEAR YOU!" Floating pink hearts accompanied his words.

'Bakura-chan' continued his evil girly giggling sequence of doom, then stopped abruptly when he heard the call. "Bakura-chan?" he repeated, twitching dangerously. The second time around, he _roared_. "BAKURA-CHAN?!!" Swiftly, he jumped off the building, shaking fists hanging onto his makeshift parachute of a cape as he growled. "That's it you little fucker, I'm seriously going to destroy you now."

Ryou and Malik watched in captivated amazement and wonder as Bakura-chan descended gracefully, only staggering a bit when his parachute ran out of wind to hold him up.

"Alright," Bakura-chan declared, "what in the name of – _fucktary_ are you wearing a _cape_?" He, too, posed for a sexy dramatic effect that far overpowered Ryou's in his show of utter idiotic brilliance. Then he untangled himself and continued. "A black one, at that!" He then cocked his head to the side cutely, becoming worthy of his secretly not-dreaded nickname as he went on. "Only villains can wear black, haven't you read Shounen Jump?"

Ryou, in a rare moment of actual brilliance, avoided answering by blatantly changing the subject. "Hey," he started, "why do you look sexier than me?" He copied Bakura's earlier pose to compare, forgetting momentarily that he did not have a mirror, though he still continued to accent his posterior like a model. "You even have that weird white hair! And yet…" his face faulted when he realized that he could never make himself look as absurd as Bakura-chan did, reluctantly abandoning his pose. He did not stop sticking his rear into the not-so-strait Malik's face, though.

Bakura-chan rolled his eyes as if that was the stupidest question in the world that would lead to giving the most obvious answer in the world. It probably was. "It's _obviously_ because I'm EBIL." His hands shot up to flick his hair, but met air and wished that he hadn't chopped so much of it off trying to be more masculine. He settled on twirling the short strands instead. He did so like a real man.

Ryou rambled on.

"You have weird hair, too! Shouldn't you chop it _all_ off or something? Wouldn't it tickle you mercilessly when you're fighting?"

Malik, not wanting to be one of those temporarily forgotten characters, sincerely gave his input. "I think it's because he's evil," he whispered to Ryou.

Ryou nodded slowly, trying to let all that sink in before continuing. "And you're Egyption-like!" he exclaimed, incredulously. "Why are you Egyption-like?!"

"Because you're albino," Bakura countered, growling. He was getting impatient. First his pathetic idiot of an identical sibling is late, and now they were having a relatively pointless argument/discussion about fashion and skin tones. _Oh please,_ he thought, _everyone knows I'm _way_ sexier anyways._

Ryou dear was now getting very confused. "But I'm Japanese!" he protested, not liking the direction this was heading into. Not that he knew what his twin was going to say, but it sounded really cool.

Bakura frowned. "Look," he reasoned, "I'm sexy and evil and scary, are you going to do something about that or not?"

Ryou frowned along. "I…" he hesitated, then after a moment threw his hands in the air in surrender. "I haven't brought any condoms."

Bakura gasped. Blasphemy! Then he realized something. "Oh, that's okay," he said, stalking towards Ryou casually, "I have some…"

Then began the most terrorizing procedure ever: confession.

Bakura-chan took out a ring box, not very extravagant as it looked ripped out of a piece of cardboard. Nevertheless, it was the thought that counted, and the cardboard was very solid and sturdy.

He kneeled before Ryou, and Malik (who was gaping like a fish) was about to stop this whole ceremony when Bakura opened the box.

Inside was a glowing green piece of rubber.

Malik gave up all hope.

Ryou's eyes lit up in pure joy.

"Oh…" he breathed, trailing his fingers over the thing as one would molest a diamond ring, "it's…it's beautiful, Bakura…" he wept dramatic tears of joy as he accepted the gift and took off his pants, fitting it on. Very much like a diamond ring indeed.

Malik was revived when he saw Ryou's rear end. He hasn't felt this way in a long time. It was like magic! He will now name this miracle the 'millennium rod'.

As Ryou and Bakura got to work, Malik realized something very important. The mission!

Groping Ryou before properly grabbing him and pulling him away, he hissed: "You're supposed to kill him!"

Ryou frowned, the presence of his best friend very unneeded and annoying now that there was a glowing green condom on his wiener. And Bakura, who was not yet there but soon will be.

"No," he whispered back, "we were going to run away."

Malik glared. "Kill!"

"Run away!" Ryou persisted.

"Kill!"

"Run!"

"_Kill!_"

"_Run!_"

"KILL –"

"Look," Ryou snapped uncharacteristically, his literally glowing erection slowly dying, "I'm going to stab him while we're doing it, okay?"

Malik blinked. "Oh," he said. Then. "_Oh!_ That's a wonderful idea! They don't call you Ryouman for nothing!"

Ryou frowned, but did not comment of the nickname he failed to realize he had. "Yeah," he agreed, "Bakura's masochistic. Adds to the fun."

This time, Malik lost all hope for real, never to revive. No one cared, though, and Ryou bonked Bakura happily into the night.

-

Malik awoke, shooting strait up in his bed, sweating all over as he panted. He looked around his room – normal, Egyption-y, no trace of Ryou or Bakura. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair in relief. That was one weird dream…

A ruffle caught his attention. Malik perked up and followed the sound…

"_Ryou?!_" he squeaked incredulously. Said person was digging around in Marik's closet, seemingly looking for a particular article of clothing. He squeaked back in greeting at Malik's presence, smiling nervously to calm his thumping heart.

"Hey, Malik-kun," he said, turning his attention back to the pile of clothing and suddenly looking very serious as he continued his search.

"…What are you doing here?"

Ryou blinked, then laughed sheepishly. "Well, you see, Bakura really likes black…and he flowy…stuff…"

Malik's eyes narrowed considerably. "…And…?" he asked, suspicious, the dream already fading away. What was it again? Something about sex, he remembers…but all his dreams were about that.

Ryou's eyes lit up when he held up the piece of article he had obviously been searching so feverishly for. "Remember when he got his own body, how he looked?"

Malik nodded slowly.

"Right," Ryou said, putting it on, "and now…"

"Now?" Malik inquired.

"Right," Ryou repeated, "I'm ready.


End file.
